Hard Labor

I came across a quote this morning from the wonderful actor, James Hong... it really hit home for me: "... I saw my buddies there with the same calendar, crossing out the dates, counting how many days until sick leave or vacation time. It reminded me of a prison and how they cross out each day they're there."

He was referring to going back and visiting an engineering office that he once worked at before he became a full-time actor.

The reason this is so meaningful for me is that in my cubicle at work I have three different calendars posted on the wall. Each represents a different portion of my job that I have to keep track of. And at the end of every day, I cross out the date with a highlighter marker on each of the three calendars. I've been doing that for years -- crossing out the day as it ends -- at every day job I have ever had.

The thing is, I haven't given myself a time limit on how long I'm going to keep pushing until I "get somewhere" as an actor. I will keep pushing even after I've "gotten somewhere" (wherever that may end up being). Although I guess I have given myself a time limit on how long I will continue looking at this same cubicle and these same calendars. I mean, it's just a day job. It's money. It's how I make a living until I find that elusive moment where I have the opportunity to show the casting director and producers what I can do and have them feel that they absolutely cannot make that film or TV show without me.

And it will happen. I always feel like I'm right on the edge of something, like I'm right on the precipice, and it's just a matter of time until I find the right path that will lead me to the bridge to the other side.

My mom often asks me why I want to be famous. I keep telling her that I don't necessarily want to be famous, or even rich, really. I just want to be able to look forward to going to work each day. I want the first thought in my head to be, "I gotta get to the set. I get to ACT today!" I just want to be able to make a good enough of a living so that I don't need to carry a day job, so that I don't have to deal with those same damn cubicles and calendars and migraine headaches from the fluorescent lighting and staring at those tiny little numbers on Excel spreadsheets anymore.

I know there are others out there... other people, like me, who go to their day jobs and spend half their time trying to come up with a roster of plausible excuses so they can sneak out during the day to audition; and the other half trying to find a day job that will allow them to have a flexible enough schedule so they can go audition without having to lie... one that will also pay a decent wage and offer the same kind of benefits that their current day job does (that's the hard part). And then we spend the commute to and from work each day thinking about just giving up the day job grind altogether, risking bankruptcy and life without health coverage, so we can throw ourselves into acting 100%... damn the torpedoes.

Truthfully, the health insurance benefits are the only thing that keeps me shackled to this cubicle every day. I have been through a catastrophic illness, and I realize that had I not been insured at the time, I would most certainly be dead. The idea of going out there without that net scares the bajeezus out of me, and my husband, too. So damning the torpedoes really isn't an option.

Although as I cross off another calendar box, I sure think about it.