Dishing the Dirt

Men, Women, and the filth between them
My mom is coming for Christmas.

This is a good thing, although the preparation for this event has opened all sorts of issues in my household. As my husband and I make arrangements to ready the "guest room" (actually a spare bedroom that I've been using as an office), and generally try and tidy up the place to my mom's standards, I have discovered a rather interesting phenomenon regarding the way men and women approach housecleaning.

I have often found myself frustrated by the fact that my beloved husband, darling that he is, seems to be completely blind when it comes to dirty floors. He's not a sloppy person; he has a reasonable sense of tidiness and doesn't like clutter any more than I do. But when it comes to the floors and carpets of our home, for some reason he simply doesn't notice when there are huge balls of dust-covered dog hair in the corners, or footprints and stains on the rugs.

I have a theory on this.

You see, a woman sees something on the floor that doesn't belong there, and her subconscious says, "Dear Lord, pick that up! The baby could eat that!" It doesn't matter if she actually HAS a baby in the house. It's a product of our DNA - some component of estrogen implants that instinct into all women to make sure the floors are clean (because babies are known for putting whatever might be lying around in their mouths). You don't have to be a mother to have this instinct. It's just there, and it happens without conscious thought, and if you're a woman there is nothing you can do to stop it.

By the time we hit menopause and the estrogen production halts, it's too late. The habit is totally ingrained, and besides; the "Grandma Instinct" kicks in and at that point, NOBODY's house is clean enough for the baby. Again, the presence or absence of children makes no difference.

Men, however, have a very similar reaction to unauthorized filth on the floor, with a very different outcome. If they see something on the floor that doesn't belong there, their subconscious tells them, "Oops, something's on the floor. Oh, well, the dog will eat that!" And they then go about their merry way. Again, it doesn't matter if they HAVE a dog, something about testosterone automatically assumes that some dog will wander in and lick whatever it is off the floor. Men do not do this on purpose - again, it's a product of DNA, and they have no control whatsoever of this.

Upon further thought, I realized that our very own mothers have had very a profound impact on our nesting instincts. For generations, when mommies decided to clean their houses, they told their sons to "go out and play", ostensibly to keep the little tykes from getting underfoot and messing up whatever it was they were trying to clean. But their daughters usually stayed in to "help Mommy clean the house"... Thus teaching little boys from birth that all they have to do is go out and play and all of the household dirt will magically disappear. Later in life, these same little boys will why their wives give them that LOOK when they want to go play basketball with their buddies.

Now if you'll pardon me... I have to show my husband how to plug in the vacuum.

Inspiration

What keeps me going?
Today I read a posting that asked the collective online group what inspired us to pursue our dreams in the entertainment business... I thought it was a very good question.

My inspiration comes from several places. One: to make my Mom proud of me. Yes, I'm well past the age where my parents are supposed to have an influence, but due to circumstances beyond my control, I am not even near where I wanted to be at this stage in life.

I spent eight years at a company that even though was supposed to be a film-industry job, ended up being a very corporate-centric, profit minded real estate company that just happened to own film stages. During that time, I went through a serious illness, and continued working through some very difficult medical treatments (chemotherapy, specifically). At the end of it all, I, along with all of the other employees, was subject to a four-year wage freeze where no raises were given to anyone, my office location was moved four times, and even though I was very ill I was expected to pack everything up and shift gears without much help, yet still maintain the same level of productivity while going through each move. During this "wage freeze" however, the CEO (and son of the owner) bought himself an airplane, a vineyard, and a jewelry design business, all on the company's dime.

I left that eight year job with this company under very uncomfortable circumstances (see previous entries...), and I am still researching my legal options. I loyally worked through eleven months of chemo AND ONLY MISSED ONE DAY OF WORK and yet I was treated like a piece of office furniture. The remaining employees are still being treated that way.

After leaving that job, I went through some serious soul-searching. It has occurred to me that life is very short (cliche' maybe, but my illness reminded me that it's painfully true); too short to work at a job that you have to psyche yourself up for every morning, and go home at night feeling unappreciated and unnoticed unless you make a mistake.

So I am now pursuing a different career in the film business. I came to LA fifteen years ago and attended the American Academy of Dramatic Arts. Yes, I came to LA to be an actor. And now, after all this time, I am finally striving to at least work in that field. Fame and fortune are not my goal here. Having a job that I love and working at a job I can wake up and WANT to go to is my goal.

In the meantime, I am looking for employment that can offer me "live-on" money, hopefully benefits (I'm in remission, but my regular cancer screens are terribly expensive), and enough flexibility that I can continue pursuing a career as a character actor or voiceiver actor. I am hoping to find a job perhaps as an assistant to a casting director, development executive, or I'm willing to take on a position as a PA or script assistant.

I have an immense amount of experience and knowledge in film lighting and equipment (more than I ever really wanted) as I was the senior manager of the lighting and grip department at the aforementioned company. I'm sure this knowledge will eventually be valuable to me as an actor, but more immediately, I would think it would be valuable to an prospective employer.

In the field of film lighting, I know what it is, who makes it, who rents it, how to hook it up and take it apart, how much it's supposed to cost, who has the best rental rates, and when a gaffer is ordering it just so he can play with the new lighting toy at the company's expense (as opposed to really needing it). I know the inside scoop on the studio and rental house billing policies, and I can save a production thousands of dollars on equipment expenses by working around those policies.

But all of this knowledge and experience is totally useless unless I have something to which I can apply it. And I spent all of this time working in a field I really didn't have an interest in; I just happened to end up there by circumstance. I'm not a lighting person by choice. My illness and other events of life simply put me there and I tried to make the best of it.

So what inspires me, what drives me, is the idea that I can be on the lens end of the camera and do what those people I was aiming lights at were doing. I watched actors every day for years and saw them coming to work smiling (most of them, anyway) and leaving work smiling and eager and energetic. Even if it was a commercial for a loan company, the actors were having a wonderful time. They were working in their chosen field.

I want that. I want to go to work happy. I want to leave work and be excited about going back the next day. Nature has gifted me with a wonderful, deep, musical speaking voice, and I want to use it. I have an expressive, interesting face and I want to use it. I have unique life experiences that are written in my eyes and in my mannerisms, and I want to be able to use them to entertain, to inform, to make people FEEL something... to give them an escape from their lives or to make them laugh, cry, THINK. The same way that actors gave me that gift when I was sick and afraid and watched a movie to get away from it.

That's what inspires me.

-------

Oops. Waxed on for too long on my soapbox, there, sorry. But this is my reality. This is my soul here, for all of you to read.

The cancer put a time limit on my life expectancy. I'm in remission, but the truth is that I probably won't make it to 60. And I don't want to spend the precious few years I have left working my rear end off at something I don't love for someone that doesn't appreciate it. I mean, I will if I have to. I've done it before. But there's so much more out there that I can't help but think if I work really hard I can have a little bit of it, you know?

Is that too much to ask?

Need a new photographer

Taking rejection well....


Okay, the headshots were a complete wash. Out of 40 photos, only this one was even remotely worthy of being seen in public, and that was after two hours of digital touch up to tone down the black sludge around my eyes. It will work for now, but I will definitely have to get them done again.

However my voiceover demo was quite a success. I have six well produced commercial spots that I feel highlight my voice quite nicely. Now I need to figure out how I will have CD copies made. I have a couple of options, and it just comes down to cost, really. I could send the master to a CD-duplicating lab and have them run off copies. They would create labels and case covers and it would look polished and professional. Expensive, though, and there's a minimum run of at least 100 copies. If I make any changes to my demo or to my information (like get an agent or something) then I'd have to go through the whole thing again every time.

I could burn copies myself on my Mac and create labels with a CD-Stomper. That would be the most cost-effective way to do it, and I could burn only as many copies as I would need for any given mailing. If I wanted to make changes or rearrange the content, it's easy and there would not be any wasted CD's lying around. But that would also be quite time-consuming as I can only burn one copy at a time, then print the label, stick it to the CD... on the other hand, it also frees me up to try different types of media, such as the little mini-CDs or the new business-card shaped CD's.

I think I'll try a test-run and burn a few on my Mac. then I can take a day and drive all over LA and drop them off at selected agencies and see if I get a bite. I can save a few to mail off in case there's a voiceover casting call somewhere, too, and see if I can drum up some jobs on my own. If I can manage to land a couple of jobs, then that will give me some more content for my demo, as well as put some money in my pocket.

I've actually been quite industrious lately. I created an acting resume and posted it on the Backstage.com's resume section. There's a zillion of them in there, and unless someone is specifically looking for a 30-40 year old redhead with green eyes that sings alto, chances are it probably won't get a lot of hits. But it's there, and I can send a link to anyone via email, and that means if there's an online casting notice, I'll pop off a note and a link and see what happens. If you'd like to take a look at it, you can click on the link at the bottom of this page. Let me know what you think. Be brutally honest. I can take it.

On the other job front, things are looking pretty grim. I was actually turned down for a store manager position at Starbucks. Here's what they said, "Thank you for taking the time to submit your profile for the store manager - San Fernando Valley position. We have carefully evaluated your profile, and while your qualifications are impressive, regrettably they do not meet our present need for the store manager - San Fernando Valley position."

Is that joke or what?? I spent eight years managing the entire grip and lighting department at a motion picture studio, and they don't think I can "meet the present need" for a Starbucks??!! Can someone tell me what the heck that's all about? I'm so insulted, I could spit. If any of you work at the Starbucks corporation, please, by all means, tell me why someone who's intelligent, educated, and experienced isn't suitable for managing a Starbucks retail location. Or better yet, give me a freaking job at the corporate level so I can find out for myself.

Well, kids, it's off to CompUSA to pick up some blank CD's and a label stomper. If anyone is interested in hearing my demo, drop me a line.

The Photo Session

Mr. DeMille...?


So yesterday I went and had a photographer take my headshots. I took the chance and splurged for a makeup artist, as I have no experience with photography makeup. I have mixed feelings about the results, but then I did go bargain-hunting and answered an online classified ad from a photographer that was "creating a headshot portfolio" so he could expand his business. The ad was for $40 headshots (the makeup artist was $100). I suppose I deserve what I get because you know the old saying... ya get whatcha pay for.

The makeup artist apparently thought I was auditioning for "Pirates of the Caribbean 2" because she rimmed my eyes with heavy black eyeliner. Even the photographer said it needed to be toned down, but by the time she rubbed the excess off with a makeup sponge, my eyes had turned into a bloodshot mess. And I still looked like Norma Desmond waiting for her close-up.

I brought a few changes of clothing to try different necklines and textures (all dark colors, at the photographer's instruction), but he ended up picking one grey turtleneck and only shooting me in that. He said it would cover any neck wrinkles from turning my head this way and that. I was disappointed. I have a nice neckline and cleavage, and I would have like to have gotten at least a couple of shots that showed that off a little bit.

The session itself was underwhelming. He had me tilt my head to one side then the other side, then back, and every single shot he would say "fresh smile... give me a fresh smile." That meant I should relax my face from the last smile and then plaster a new one in its place. So he took about 40 shots of me looking sideways, my black-rimmed bloodshot eyes crinkled at the corners and slid ALL the way to one side or the other and smiling like I was selling dental floss.

I peeked over his shoulder as he uploaded the shots from the media card into his computer (PC with Windows XP... I should have run screaming right then and there). From what I could see of the thumbnails, what I just described above is exactly what I'll be getting. I can only hope that the photos turn out better when they're full sized. I suppose I should consider this a $140 lesson.

This morning I was chatting with a friend, and she told me that her boyfriend took the headshots of another working actor we know. NOW she tells me. Here I could have saved myself $140 and half a bottle of Visene.

Next week I have booked a studio to do my voiceover demo. The engineer emailed me some pieces of commercial copy to work on. It's really boring. My husband has a friend that does stand-up comedy, and I am hoping that he will be able to write some funnier copy to record. I don't want to have a demo that has the same six commercials that everybody else has. Maybe if I have something that gets a laugh from a casting agent, that will help my demo stand out.

The point of all of this is to simply get some work. I know... I didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday... I know how hard it is to break into anything even resembling acting. But after spending fifteen long, hard years sitting behind a desk and killing myself for some corporate committee that doesn't care beans about me, I have to at least try and do something that I enjoy. Life is too short to work at a job you have to psyche yourself up for every morning. I'm still looking for a "real" job and submitting my resume to anything that has the word "manager" in it.

Although bartending is sounding better and better.

Nothing to Lose

Actor seeks Agent


I've decided to go in an altogether different direction. For years, people have been telling me that I should get into voiceovers or radio because I have such a "great voice." I actually have done some voiceover work (the disembodied voice in a hospital scene "paging doctor such-and-such") as well as some commercials, and I did DJ at my college radio station for a time. I also sang several commercial jingles for radio and TV, which is great work if you can find it. Not easy, if you don't have a demo and an agent.

So while I continue seeking work in the field of studio management, I have begun working on getting a decent voiceover demo produced. I am fortunate that I know people in the field, and one very dear friend has been kind enough to get me in touch with his agent. So as soon as I can get the recording done, I will send her a copy and say a prayer. I'll send copies off to as many of the reputable voiceover agents I can find, as well as casting directors. I do have a great speaking voice, and I know I could be able to supplement my income at least. Perhaps even do voiceovers full-time.

My husband also seems to think that I could find work as a character actor or commercial actor. For the past few weeks I have been attending a screenwriter's workshop. Not as a screenwriter, mind you, but as one of the actors in the room that are chosen to read whatever scene or script the writer brings in for evaluation. It's kind of fun -- I get to practice my chops as an actor, and the writer gets the chance to see his or her work done live, which allows them to see what is right and what isn't in their script.

If I may toot my own horn for a minute, I have discovered that I have quite a talent for "cold reading" (for those of you who are unfamiliar with acting terms, that means reading a role without any prior preparation or exposure to the script). It could be due to a shortage of female actors in the group, but it seems like the writers keep choosing me over and over to read for them. It's been good for my confidence as well as my ego.

So later this week I will have headshot photos taken and I will schedule studio time for my voiceover demo. I have started checking the online casting notices for voiceover work, and I have found a few commercial jingle producers that may be willing to add me to their roster of working singers.

I also answered an ad looking for a singer to join a four-woman a cappella singing group in my area. I hope they contact me for an audition -- they do gigs in the LA area, and they have even performed the National Anthem at professional sporting events. Now that sounds like a good time and it would be a great way to get back into the musical and theatrical community.

After all, I do live in Los Angeles.

On the Hunt Again

Freelancing is for Masochists


Well, so much for working until October 3rd. The executive producer decided to cut me loose a week earlier because he's too bloody cheap to pay me an one more week to show my replacement the ropes and get him up to speed. Hey - I'm glad to be out of that place, believe me. I pity the poor guy they hired to replace me as Production Manager. I heard they got him for even less than they paid me, and he has no idea what he's in for.

Note to employers everywhere: You can be a jerk, or you can be cheap, but you cannot be both at the same time. A decent paycheck can do quite a bit to compensate for a jerk of a boss. On the other hand, a happy working environment can help alleviate the strain of substandard pay. But put jerk and cheap together, you get a company that sheds employees like cat fur in the summertime. So if any of you are wondering why you can't seem to find good employees, or you can't keep the ones you do find, be honest with yourself: Does the pay suck? Are you a prick? If you can answer yes to both of these questions, then you just solved the mystery of your employee shortage.

It should be obvious, people. But apparently, it isn't.

The downside is that I'm back on the job hunt. The upside is that after working at that awful TV production for six weeks, I now re-qualify for unemployment benefits.

I'm still looking to find something permanent, preferably in my field of expertise. I've taken this week off to regroup and catch up on things at home, update my resume and get some much-needed quality sleep. The TV show worked us an average of 17 hours a day (no overtime, either), and we never got the customary 12-hour turnaround between shifts, so my sleep clock got all wonky. Besides, I missed being able to have dinner with my husband once in a while. I lost eleven pounds on that job. I look great, but that can't be healthy.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'll take a nap.

Icky Job

This isn't what I had in mind


I know, I know... I have been very lackadaisical about staying up to date on this. I've been so overextended in the past few weeks that I simply don't have the energy to write. I usually drop into bed at the end of the day and barely have the gumption to brush my teeth.

I finally got a job as Production Manager of five new HDTV shows that will be on satellite TV (not mainstream networks). We are producing all five at once, and to tell the truth, it's a nightmare. I am responsible for HD camera rentals, shipping the cameras all over the world, hiring camera crews all over the world, managing the purchase orders and budgets (including rentals, shipping costs and crew labor), maintaining the call sheets and schedules.... there is no Production Coordinator, nor a Production Accountant. And the pay is crap. But it beats fighting the unemployment people and it will help me stay solvent until I can find something permanent with benefits. Which will be soon, I hope. I really hope.

I went to a memorial for Francis (see August 11 entry). Most of his friends were musicians. In fact, his father was a trumpet player and his mom was a singer and they met while playing together in a big band. So we had a proper party with a bandstand and we all took turns going up and saying a few words and jamming our hearts out. If there is a heaven, Fran probably heard us up there. Godspeed, my friend.

Back to the job... I was hired on August 18, and by the fourth day I was already having to find a camera operator in Wales, plus ship a camera there at the very last possible moment so he could go shoot the event. It's been six weeks of nothing but panic-at-the-last-minute stuff. So far we've shot 15 different events in fifteen different places. In addition to Wales, we have shot in Bangkok, Indonesia, Malaysia, Hawaii, France, Ohio, Washington State, Alaska and Canada. They told me the job was until September 29th, but the Executive Producer has changed his story several times. He's also a screamer, and has a very limited memory to boot, so he's always yelling at someone. I have agreed to stay on until October 3rd, but I don't think I can take any more after that. If the shows get picked up, it will be for 53 episodes, and they just don't pay enough for me to stay. Working over 80 hours a week for $750? Sometimes I'm there until 2 or 3 am trying to get the cameras ready for shipping, and I am getting too old for that.

Can't I just get a normal studio job with benefits and a nice commissary for lunch?

I guess I should be grateful I'm working, but I have never worked this hard and gotten paid so poorly for my efforts.

Farewell to a Friend

Francis McDonald ~ Gone but never forgotten


Yesterday I got some terrible news. My husband and I were in Las Vegas for a flag football tournament that he was playing in. We had just gotten back to the hotel after dealing with the theft of his fanny pack from his gym bag. Apparently, someone made off with it while my husband's team was playing and I was taking team photos. They got his checkbook and his cell phone, not to mention his wallet, driver's license and several credit cards.

But that wasn't the terrible news. We got back to the hotel room, and I checked my email. I got a note saying that a very dear friend had passed away sometime Friday or Saturday. His neighbor had gone to check on him as he had been ill for several months, and found that he had died in his apartment alone.

Of all of the things that have been happening over the past few months, this is the most difficult to face. I knew he had been ill, but I really wasn't prepared for his death. He was a very gentle and wise soul, as well as one of the most gifted musicians I have ever had the honor of knowing. I had the wonderful experience of not only working with him in the recording studio, but also performing with him onstage. I can only thank God that I was able to share a few moments of my life with such a man, and I am a better person for having known him.

Godspeed, my friend. You will be missed and always remembered.

There is no Justice

It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black


The worst has happened.

They have destroyed me. The studio reps walked into the Unemployment Hearing on Tuesday morning and lied. Instead of bringing my former supervisor, they brought in that fat f*** IT manager, who sat under oath and lied to the judge about my computer habits. I was so stunned at the fact that he perjured himself so blatantly, that I was hardly able to respond to any of the judge's questions. He told the judge that I re-installed my Windows 2000 operating system in order to change the administrator password on the desktop and lock them out of their computer. I pointed out in the cross-examination that it would have been impossible unless I had the original administrator password, which I did not. I did not change the administrator password on the desktop. But they were counting on the chance that the judge would be just as computer-illiterate as most of the studio management personnel. They were right.

Besides, if I had the original administrator password so I could re-install Windows 2000 on their company PC, then why would I have had to go through all of that anyway? I could have just changed it without reinstalling anything. They LIED. THEY LIED.

Then they said the reason they had been going through the computer in the first place was to look for a letter that had been faxed to the corporate office. It was an anonymous letter from a client -- he had been concerned about the general attitude of the warehouse personnel (see link at the bottom of this page if you want to read the letter). He called me to see if I would be willing to pass it along to the appropriate management personnel, and when I said sure, I had him email it to my Yahoo email address. He wanted to remain anonymous, so I said not to send it to my work email address. I didn't ask why he wanted be remain anonymous -- I assumed he had his reasons and it wasn't any of my business.

I read the letter, considered his request and decided that he had a very valid concern that the upper management needed to hear, and faxed it to the corporate office without saving the document. His email stayed in a folder in my Yahoo account.

Well, they walked into the unemployment hearing and told the judge that I wrote the letter. They admitted that they couldn't find the document on my hard drive, but in the process of looking, they had found my "unauthorized" Zip drive (another lie -- they SUGGESTED that I get that. In fact, the last time my office was moved, they RE-HOOKED IT UP for me when they moved the computer to the new office) and all of the alleged "changes" I had made to the administrative permissions on the machine. They brought a copy of the letter as evidence.

I didn't write the letter. I think they were surprised when I admitted that I had faxed the letter to the corporate fax number, but I did NOT write it. But I think it was the thing that finally allowed that fat f*** to find a way to get rid of me. But I still cannot believe that he sat there and lied under oath. It was the final nail in my professional coffin.

The end result of all of this came on Thursday in the mail. I was notified that my Unemployment benefits have been revoked. The judge said I was "evasive" and he obviously believed their side of the story, probably because to do any investigating of the facts would have been too time consuming. Besides, he was quite obviously well-acquainted with the attorney rep they brought with them -- she stayed behind after our hearing because she was representing the next hearing with the same judge. Their dog & pony show, complete with a "timeline" document listing all of my alleged transgressions (written just for the occasion, I am sure) confused the judge enough about the computer issues that he bought their story and revoked the lousy $370 a week that was keeping me barely afloat. Now I have no income at all, and no replies to the hundreds of letters and resumes I send every week.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

Belly up to the bar, Boys

Nobody tips a nasty bartender


Six days until my unemployment hearing. I'm not sleeping again and when I do sleep, I wake up several times during the night in a cold sweat, panicking. The stress from the past few months is taking a toll -- my hair has begun to fall out and I'm not even on chemo this time.

My job hunt has hit a dead end. I've started applying for listings that I feel I'm underqualified for -- the logic being that since potential employers don't want to hire me because they think I'm overqualified, then maybe I can snatch a position from a higher executive because they think HE (or she) is overqualified. I would definitely need a better wardrobe, though.

Ok. It's just an excuse to go shopping.

I have also started looking at job listings that are not in the film industry. I truly cannot imagine myself doing anything else at this point in my life, but if I lose my unemployment benefits, I may get desperate enough to seek out whatever I can get. After spending the last fifteen years on movie and television stages, the thought of going into another field scares the heck out of me. And truth to tell, I simply don't have an interest in banking or the hotel business. I've worked so hard to gain experience and knowledge in the entertainment field -- it would frankly break my spirit if I had to walk away and do something else. I suppose I could tend bar while I look for a film industry position. I've tended bar before. But I'm afraid that I would end up out of the loop and become bitter and that could cut into my tips.

Also today I went through a comprehensive list of all the commercial production companies I could find. Out of the 187 companies in the LA area, I found about 30 of them with which I have personally done business. I sent a little note with a copy of my resume to each of them, saying that I was available and was seeking a staff position as a Production Coordinator or Producer. It was terribly time consuming, but I figured it couldn't hurt and it might at least open up a dialogue with these people. If anything, they might contact me out of curiosity to ask me what happened. Even if I get some freelance work, it will get me back into the regular swing of things and hopefully lead to something more permanent.

I will try doing this with TV and motion picture production companies next, although getting contact information is more difficult than with commercial companies. This is largely due to the fact that many companies are created specifically for a single film or TV show, so there are literally thousands of them. The hard part is trying to figure out with which major studio or larger production company they are affiliated, if any. Many of them were created by TV and film actors, and so trying to find a fax number or email address is pretty tricky. Sometimes they refer you to the actor's agent or manager, who is trained to weed out any unsolicited materials, therefore rendering all of your homework useless, as your letter and resume end up tossed.

The best way to deal with this situation, I've found, is to simply go for a mass market inundation of my materials, and hope that one or two resumes might make it in. I have heard that sometimes they will call you simply because they have seen your name so many times, they think you're "somebody".

It's ridiculous that I have to jump through so many hoops just to get a job.

Summertime Blues

Let There Be Justice... Please


Yesterday I received the notice for my Unemployment hearing. It's at the end of the month, and I am very nervous about it. I've never been fired before, so I really don't know what to expect or what kind of questions they'll ask. I also don't know which story The Studio will tell them, so I don't know which set of their lies I need to be prepared for. All I can do is tell the truth and do my best to stay calm and unemotional. I'm trying to get letters of recommendation from some old vendors and customers, as well as a letter from my old boss and one from the HR lady my husband ran into last week. I hope that will help my case. I hope the judge is fair. I know a lot of these government-mandated programs tend to lean towards the side of large, high tax-paying corporations (like the studio), which means the little guy (hapless, low tax-paying employee) ends up taking it in the shorts. I pray that isn't the case here. My shorts really can't hold any more.

One good thing that came from all of that crap -- I heard through the grapevine that some of the guys in the warehouse of The Studio got "small" raises. I'm guessing that they re-distributed the payroll money that was freed up when I was fired. It's about time -- those guys worked far too hard to have to go for four years without even a cost-of-living increase. I should know; I went through it right along with them.

Also yesterday I got a surprise in my email... the lighting company that sent me the pathetic offer actually did respond to my counter-offer. They turned it down flat. "Thank you but we've decided to go in a different direction for that department." Yeah, like cheaper. Oh, well. You get what you pay for. Besides, their office facilities were dismal and dirty -- cubicles off of the warehouse, really -- which tells me that even though the company is charging top dollar for their lights, they don't want to have to spend one more penny than they deem necessary, and comfort for their employees is apparently not a top priority. Their loss.

Like I said before, cheap people suck.

My husband's car couldn't be saved after all. The mechanic found all sorts of damage when he got into it -- the ABS brake system was destroyed, and he said the valves were bent. So the insurance company has totaled the car. Now we're on the hunt for a replacement -- hopefully we will be able to find another Passat GLX with similar mileage and all of the nifty options we had before. The leather seats were heated and it had a 6-CD changer. Of course, we'll have to buy something used, but we're all right with that. His rear license plate and frame came in the mail today. That's all we have left of his car. The front plate was lost in the accident, and we cleaned out all of his personal items before it was towed from our driveway. I know it's silly to become emotionally attached to a car, but we're both sad. It was a really great car.

Oh, great. I was just interrupted by an email from another potential employer saying "... unfortunately we are an extremely small office (total of 5 on staff), and we do not have anything available at this time. I do not anticipate that we will have any openings for some time either; however, I will be happy to keep your resume on file for future reference." Gee, thanks a lot. You're too kind. I'll make sure and keep that in mind when I'm depositing my next (perhaps last) unemployment check. And why is a major entertainment industry union office keeping such a bare-bones staff, anyway? I will bet dollars to doughnuts that those five overworked people are all stressed up all the time.

Is it me, or are all industries getting to be that way lately?

Treadmill Torture

On a Road to Nowhere...


I hate working out.

I understand that in order to maintain some semblance of health, I need to regularly raise my heart rate and maybe lift something heavier than a laptop a few times a week. But the idea of having to go to a big warehouse-type room where other people are sweating and grunting makes my skin crawl. I'd much rather get exercise in the process of having fun, like flying a kite at the beach or hiking up some remote hillside with a picnic basket. But who ever actually has the time to buy a kite, drive to the beach, find a parking space... The only thing I like about working out is the shower when it's all over. I like knowing that the hot water at the gym will never, ever run out and I can take my sweet time conditioning my hair. I don't mind having to wear rubber thongs to avoid an unauthorized toe fungus -- it's nice to just stand there for 20 minutes and have the water pound onto that tense spot on my back that never quite relaxes completely.

My husband has been on me lately to go do things during the day that I never had time to do while I was working... like go to the gym. I admit it -- I'm generally a sit-at-the-desk kind of person. I was never the athletic type, although I was blessed with a nervous metabolism when I was younger that allowed me to sit for long periods of time and still never gain weight. It has since then slowed considerably, and I have, to my horror, began developing the fat deposits that my grandmother displayed. And now I'm having a heck of a time dealing with the upper arm flab-wings and back-fat, not to mention the little "stress-belly" of lard that has attached itself to my midsection and taunts me when I try to zip my jeans. And since my stress level shows no indication of abating any time soon, I guess I have to do something to burn it off. But I still hate it.

While torturing myself on the treadmill today, I was reading a magazine that appears to be a Cosmo for the pre-and peri-menopause set. I've been a subscriber to Cosmo for over a decade, but I've noticed that the "how-to-bag-a-boyfriend" articles and clothing layouts just don't seem to be all that interesting anymore. So on a whim, I picked up a copy of this new mag. While the models still have that skinny, coffee-and-cigarette-diet physique, they at least have some character lines on their faces and even sport an occasional patch of natural grey hair.

What really got my attention, though, was the amazing number of articles and columns about women over the age of 40 that started new-found careers as writers and were gaining successes typing out smart-aleck anecdotes and stories about their marriages and selling them to magazines just like the one I was reading. Heck, I have stories. I'm a smart-aleck. And since I'm writing anyway, I'm well-educated, and I have tons of time on my hands, why couldn't I do that? I mean, really, I already am, I'm just not getting paid for it and I'm posting this stuff all over the Internet for you lovely people to read for free.

Not that I'm planning on ending my Blog files... This is a therapeutic activity for me, and most of this stuff isn't really ready for prime magazine publications. It's just me spouting off my random thoughts and daily irritations as an attempt to get them out so I can sleep at night.

But I figure if I can be reasonably coherent while writing a silly journal, how hard can it be to get a subject suggestion from some editor in New York, take a week or two to come up with something really good, email it back and then wait for the check? I always excelled in Creative Writing when I was in school, and I even dabbled at journalism when I was in college. I wrote for an early Web-zine a few years back; they liked my columns about the trials and tribulations of a cancer patient trying to maintain a normal life and career while trying not to throw up on the commute to work. Ok, it didn't pay or anything, but apparently there were people out there who were interested in what I had to say.

So now I have a new possible direction. I won't give up the search for a job in the entertainment business. It's what I've done for the past fifteen years, and I like it too much to just switch careers. But if I might be able to make a supplemental income and get some of my lost confidence back as a part-time columnist, then I'm all for that.

Suggestions and advice are welcome. Offers from editors are even more welcome.

Attack of the Cheapskates

Please feed me....


It just keeps getting better.

My husband's car is not a total loss. It apparently can be repaired, however it will take up to 4 weeks. He's currently renting a Toyota Echo, which isn't an awful car, but it feels very small to him. I have to admit, he does look a little silly getting in and out of it. It fits me just fine, but then, I'm not six-four.

I got my car back. It looks great. All the smashed stuff is gone and they matched the paint perfectly. I finally ended up getting $570 from the insurance people -- after a long, drawn-out conversation, he admitted that his client's story sounded pretty lame, but unfortunately it was not his job to judge blame by the credibility of the players. I can live with this.

I had a pretty good interview with a lighting company on July 1st. They called me the very next day to see if I would come back and speak with the CEO, and we set up a second interview for July 8th. All went very well (although I did get that WORD again) and the CEO told me he'd email me an offer by the end of the day.

The offer was laughable.

It was less than $35K a year. Their insurance is an HMO plan, with no PPO or other options, and for a recovered cancer patient, that is completely unacceptable. They do have a 401K plan, but it's set up as employee contributions only, no employer contributions at all (but they're hoping to be able to change that in the future). They wanted me to run half of the entire rental division of the whole company, plus be in charge of inventory management, as well as tech support.

They were right. I am overqualified for that. Heck, I could get a job at Whole Foods checking out groceries for the same money, better benefits, stock options, and a lot less stress. Are they kidding?!

So I did the only thing I could -- I drafted a very careful counter-offer. I gently informed them that the current going rate for an experienced lighting rental agent is about $40-45K, and if inventory management and tech support is added, the average rate goes up to almost $60K. But I told them I would be willing to go for $55K including benefits (meaning I would have to get more money since I'd have to go out and get my own health insurance). I made it very clear and concise and to the point.

They sent me back an email saying that they would "discuss it with the owners" and that's the last I heard. I don't expect to hear from them again.

AND the icing on the cake was a letter from the Unemployment Office informing me that The Studio has filed an appeal for my claim. This means that someone actually had to sit down and draft a letter saying that they want to revoke my benefits. The real shaft on this one is that if their appeal goes through, I have to PAY BACK whatever benefit money I have already received. They just won't leave me alone.

So now I have to wait for another letter informing me when the hearing will be. Then I have to go to the hearing and convince the judge that I was fired without cause and that I deserve to continue receiving unemployment insurance benefits while I frantically hunt for a new job.

Cheap people suck.

There was a bright spot in all of this -- my husband was at our favorite sushi place the other night picking up dinner, and he ran into the ex-Human Resources Manager from The Studio (she went on leave some time ago due to health problems). Funny coincidence... she had just gotten a call that very day from the Corporate HR Manager of The Studio (the very same one that officially fired me) regarding her "separation" papers. Seems her leave of absence has gone longer than is allowed and so she is being terminated.

During the call, she apparently asked Mr. Corporate HR Manager what happened regarding MY termination. He told her that I was fired for making inappropriate comments to customers and vendors, and that it was my third reprimand, so they fired me. That's funny... that isn't what they told me when I was in the process of being fired. This is very interesting. And by the way, the very fact that Mr. Corporate was discussing my termination with someone outside of the situation is a very good reason for me to sue them. Ms. Ex-HR Manager called me later in the evening and we talked for a little while. We plan on having lunch and she said she could give me pointers on how to ace my Unemployment Hearing so I won't have any interruption in benefits. Bless her.

And for the record, no customer or vendor has ever made any complaint whatsoever about me. The only "attitude issues" in my employee records are from the fat creep of an IT Manager that got me fired in the first place. In fact, every single reprimand I have ever received from that company was related to a complaint HE made. Oh, I really am beginning to hate those people.

Anyone know a good attorney? I think I need to start this legal ball rolling before it gets too late.

Run of Bad Luck

Pick on somebody else for a while!


THIS IS TURNING INTO A BAD MELODRAMA.

Yesterday my husband crashed his car. He's okay, but his beloved Passat may be a total loss.

Some lack-wit stopped in the middle of oncoming traffic in the midst of making a left turn. He just stopped -- claimed he heard a fire truck coming. He was in the middle of a major intersection, and as he got halfway through his turn across the lanes of opposing traffic, he just stopped, blocking the oncoming left lane. My husband was IN the oncoming left lane, maybe 20 feet away going straight towards him, and had no time to swerve or stop. He plowed into the guy's pickup. I don't know what kind of damage was done to the guy's truck, but our Passat lost it's entire left front end. There were engine parts falling out. The headlight was completely gone and God only knows where the bumper parts and license plate landed. The hood was smashed up into the windshield and it was bleeding all sorts of fluids out of the huge gash in its front end... it was awful. I don't know if it can be fixed. What kind of idiot just STOPS in the middle of oncoming traffic when he hears a siren? I mean, if you hear a siren coming, make sure you stop in a safe place in your own damn lane, for heaven's sake.

What is going on? I lose my job, then my car gets smashed by some moron who can't merge, and now this. Now we have no cars. Mine isn't done yet -- although I should be able to get it Monday (I hope so -- I have another interview on Tuesday morning). And the insurance company of the loser that hit me is playing stupid games. They now claim (after two weeks of not returning phone calls) that they cannot determine fault on the accident (the other driver lied) and have offered to pay half of the estimated costs determined by their investigator. That comes to about $385. My actual repair costs came to $1100.

And if I hear the word "overqualified" one more time, I'm going to lose it.

Something has to give. I no longer have faith in my resume -- I've dumbed down my educational references, because I think my Masters is too intimidating. The film industry is going through some weird times and right now none of the major studios are hiring people in my field. But when I try and apply for jobs in other areas, that WORD comes up and they don't call me back. I've begun looking for jobs in non-industry fields, even though I've spent the last fifteen years working in film and TV. I'm still working on the dimmer board operator training, but it's going to take some time before I feel accomplished enough to seek work there. And now we have no vehicles so I may have to put the training on hold until we're mobile again.

We have begun discussing the possibility of moving away from Los Angeles to get out of the bad traffic and the overcrowded conditions. Maybe the Northern California or Oregon coast -- or Tacoma or Seattle. I could be happy running inventory at the Starbuck's corporate offices or maybe working as a production coordinator at Lucasfilms. If we could find a place near the ocean so I could spend my weekends clamming and raising tomatoes and culinary herbs, it might be nice. The cost of living would be a lot less, and the slower pace might be good for us all the way around.

But that's something that would require serious plans, not to mention a good nest egg to fund a move of that magnitude. We both agree that we absolutely don't want to settle in LA, but we're really not ready to make the move. We wanted to wait at least until my husband had a script in production.

In the meantime, we need to find a voodoo spell to get rid of this run of bad luck. Come on... somebody just give me a damn job.

Paying my Dues

They say this builds character...


My husband's bug has evolved into full-blown flu. He's miserable, and today I felt terrible leaving him alone while I went to my interview at the camera company.

But I have to say it was a great interview. The place looked well-run and was buzzing with activity. The facility itself was very nicely appointed, with lots of lovely wood accents and furnishings and great, old 1930's glam photos of old movie stars, mixed in with one-sheets of current films. The HR manager was a doll, and we had a wonderful interview before she turned me over to the VP of marketing for my main meeting.

The VP was a younger (mid-30's?) man with a casual demeanor and he was very personable. He seemed genuinely impressed with my skills and experience, and we traded anecdotes about mutual acquaintances and amusing moments in filmmaking. He reminded me of my old supervisor at the studio, who left for greener pastures a few years ago. I really missed him when he left; the guy they hired to replace him had no visible sense of humor and was not very pleasant to work for. The warehouse guys called him the "little gestapo."

The VP told me right off the bat that I was vastly overqualified for the position that was offered. I hate that -- I prefer to think of myself as "flexibly skilled" or "diversely talented." Overqualified sounds like I'm either trying to get a job that's beneath me, or that they think they can't afford me. After working at the studio for eight years, they'd be surprised how little I will work for. And I'm of the firm belief that no honest work is 'beneath' me -- it's collecting unemployment that's really humbling.

He seemed pretty excited about the prospect of pushing the company's possible plans of creating a lighting division and mentioned that I would be the ideal candidate to head the creation and development of the new department. I'm all for that -- but I did say that in the meantime, it would help me to be hired right away so I could learn the company's processes and learn more about the camera equipment itself. Since I've been working in grip and lighting for the past decade or so, I know little if anything about camera gear and would sincerely benefit from being exposed to something new.

June 24, 2003

I am getting to hate the word "overqualified." The camera company has not gotten back to me about my fantastic interview. I even sent the obligatory "thank you" to the HR manager and the VP guy, but nothing. I did get a call today from a previous interviewer and he said that he was vastly impressed with my qualifications, but they "aren't hiring right now." However, he did ask me out to lunch. What's up with that?

I decided that I would expand my areas of knowledge and have signed up for dimmer board operator training. I start Thursday, the 26th. A gaffer friend of mine mentioned that there is a woeful lack of dimmer board operators in the union, and that if I got my certification, I would become a hot commodity and would have enough work that I'd be turning jobs away. From his mouth to God's ears. I'm actually excited at the prospect of learning a new skill, and especially one that will put me in the thick of things rather than in some office where my only contact with production would be over the phone. I love being on set and dearly missed interacting with the crew and talent. I am hoping that I will catch on quickly and can become a relative expert in short time.

Well, back to the job boards.

Sheep roll call

INSOMNIA

Another Monday. My husband seems to have caught the local summer flu bug -- probably from the gym. All that hot, moist air and people sweating all over the equipment. I'm spoiling him with tea and soup and movies. As much as I hate it when he's not feeling well, it's actually a nice change from the job hunt. Makes me feel useful.

Last week I went to visit a good friend who's working as an electrician on a TV show. I spent the afternoon chatting and I ran into a lot of crew people I knew. It's dawned on me that I should be visiting people and making 'the rounds' rather than relying on email and phone calls. Voicemail and email are too easy to ignore. While I was there, I ran into an old boss of mine from years ago -- I'm supposed to call him on Tuesday and see if I can set up a meeting for possible employment. I remember they had profit sharing, and that was pretty sweet.

I also got a call on my cell while I was there for another interview with a camera company on Wednesday. I don't know a whole lot about camera gear, but then ten years ago I didn't know anything about film lighting and I picked that up reasonably quickly. Maybe things are finally starting to look up -- I still don't have any solid offers, but at least I'm starting to get more bites.

I also sent in another submission to the BIG studio for something that I am WAY over-qualified for. It's in the commissary -- and everybody on the whole movie lot eats there at least once a week, from the lowest production assistant to the highest-paid actor. I figure if I can get the job, I'll either be managing the commissary within a couple of months, or I will be able to make some good contacts and get a better position by smiling a lot and networking. I hope I get a call from the recruiting people. I hope they can understand that I am willing to take a lower position just to get a job there. The BIG studio is still my big Brass Ring, and even serving lunch to film crews at the commissary is a foot in the door for bigger and better things. It might be kind of humbling after being in management, but I'm not afraid to pay my dues all over again. I hope they can see that.

11:59 pm

Minor interruption... My husband is bedbound and wanted to play Otto Matic on my iBook. I can never get past the first level on that, but it's silly and makes me laugh. My husband, on the other hand, is a computer game whiz.

A good thing happened late last week -- the unemployment people apparently couldn't find anything to refute my statement that my termination from the studio was a result of a personal vendetta and I therefore should be able to collect benefits, because my first $370 check arrived. So that's one little victory, anyway. (I wonder if I can use this as evidence in the defamation of character and wrongful termination lawsuit...?) I can at least keep up on the minimum payments on my bills without interruption. It's a small load off of my mind, although it's less than half of what I was earning before. I'll have to be especially frugal. I am not having taxes taken out of my unemployment checks, either, so I really hope I find work soon. Otherwise it will completely mess up my income taxes. More than they are already, that is.

Another good thing -- the auto accident investigator that the other guy's (the guy that hit me) insurance company sent to take a look at the damage on my poor little car mailed me a copy of his report. It arrived on Saturday. It states in black and white that I was hit from behind square on, and therefore they are liable and responsible for the repairs on my car. Not only that, but it nullifies the guy's false claim on my insurance that I was a fault and changed lanes into his car. So there. The claims adjuster from his insurance has already mentioned something about totaling my car -- it's a 1973 Superbeetle and not in the Blu-Book anymore -- but if they decide to do that, I'll just collect the money and have it fixed anyway. It's only the rear bumper and fenders... and maybe the rear apron. Cosmetic only; my mechanic says there was no damage to the engine or the frame (remember, old Bugs carried the engine in the rear). I just want it fixed and back home... it's been at the shop waiting for the insurance people to get off of their butts since the beginning of June. The accident was back in May, for Pete's sake.

I've been driving my baby for over 20 years and this is the very first time it's been hit. Broke my heart. I love my car. It has over three hundred thousand miles on the same engine and it still runs like a champ, and before this accident, it still looked like one, too. I'm not ready to retire it just yet. After all this time, it's almost like a pet, now. There were no dents before this, and no rust, either. It got regular oil changes and tune-ups. I've had the same mechanic for almost a decade. It has even been used as a "picture vehicle" on TV and in magazines. So I'm not about to let it go. It still has a few more hundred thousand miles left.

1:27 am Tuesday, June 17, 2003

Insomnia. We decided that I should sleep in the guest room tonight so as not to expose myself to my husband's bug any more than I already have. My immune system isn't what it used to be after having cancer. Although I have a lot of trouble sleeping separately from him. Lately I've been having trouble sleeping anyway... I wake up ten times a night in a panic, my heart racing and my mind whirling at a million miles an hour, thinking about what I need to do or who I should call next. Or worrying about bills, or if I will have to pay out-of-pocket to get my car fixed and then hound the insurance people for reimbursement, or if I'll get a call for an interview, or will I have to hound them, too. Or thinking about my old job and wishing there had been a way that I could have seen it coming. I miss my office. I had a fish tank. It was really nice.

Wow. I just realized that since I lost my job a month and a half ago, I've averaged about three hours of sleep a night. That can't be healthy. But then, neither is looking at an iBook screen this long.

Goodnight, all.

The Letter

Venting Time...


So today, after I went through the job listings and applied for whatever I could find that I thought might suit me, I sat down and wrote the following letter. I don't know if I will actually send this letter, but I do feel better having written it. I guess the pouring out of all those thoughts and emotions is therapeutic, at least to a point.

(The Studio's real name has been omitted to protect the innocent and avoid potential lawsuits.)

"Dear Studio Owner and CEO;

"Please let me start out by telling you that this letter in no way is an attempt to get my job back or otherwise sway The Studio's decision to terminate my employment.

"That having been said, I do feel the need to speak my piece. I am devastated by my dismissal from The Studio. Because of the actions, exaggerations, and fabrications of a vindictive, supercilious person or persons, an honest woman's entire career has been destroyed. It will take a very long time for me to repair the damage that has been done to my emotions, my self-esteem, my ability to trust; my whole system of beliefs and principles has been irreparably broken. I am suddenly faced with the knowledge that honesty and hard work have no value anymore.

"The real loser in all of this is The Studio. My career may be gone, but I will eventually find another job. However, The Studio has lost a truly honest and dedicated employee. I sincerely cared about my job, the company for which I worked, and especially the people who worked alongside me. I genuinely was concerned for the welfare of The Studio and dedicated myself to try, every day, to do the very best job I could and always hoped for a positive future, both for myself and for the company.

"When the previous Studio President first hired me eight years ago, I told him that I was looking for my career; I was looking for the company from which I would eventually retire. I truly believed that The Studio was that company. I wholeheartedly wanted The Studio to be that company. I was prepared and willing to ride out any hardships, and hopefully contribute to and celebrate the good fortunes and victories. I spent eight years working as hard as I knew how to try and help make those good fortunes a reality.

"But I have learned that hard work and honest dedication are no longer valued as they once were in this world. I have learned that the only people that seem to get ahead are the ones that lie and cheat and violate other people's integrity for their own selfish gains. If this is the case, then I guess I am destined to lick the boots of those who would step on me, because I will sell my soul for no one. I refuse to hurt anyone as I have been hurt, or to damage anyone as I have been damaged. Because of this, I may never become a great success, but then I will always be able to face myself in a mirror without wanting to look away.

"In the end, I can only hope that some lesson can be learned from all of this. I can only hope that as an employer, you will know that you have the honor of having a precious few very talented and loyal people working for you, and they should always be regarded with the highest of esteem.

"I don't know if I will ever see you or speak with you again. I am not sure if I will find another job in the film industry, or even, at this point, if I want to. This experience has cast a shadow over my optimism, and has soured any joy I may have ever had for my work. I am sure in time, I may regain some of my confidence, but I don't think I will ever be quite the same open and candid person I once was. And that is really the worst injustice of all -- I have been permanently scarred by this, and I feel as if I have lost something within myself that I valued very greatly.

"But please know, I was an honest, forthright, and truly dedicated employee. And although I have been deeply wronged, I bear no ill will to you or to The Studio. I sincerely hope for you all of the success and happiness you may desire. I will miss my job, and I very much miss the wonderful people I had the honor of working with. I wish all the best to all of you.

"Respectfully yours,
Yada-Yada.. "

So like I said... it feels good to put all of these thoughts into words. But should I send it? I need an opinion on this -- would it do more damage than good? Or is it a compilation of truths that an employer needs to hear (and not enough people have the brass to say)? I would really like to hear your thoughts on this.

Highs and Lows

As the Stomach Churns

Yesterday was my birthday. A nice break from the reality of the job hunt roller coaster. Drinks and oysters and a movie... dinner and jazz. It was a good birthday. My husband is an angel and I really don't know what I'd do without him.

Today brought Monday and the World came crashing back in. The BIG studio finally called this morning, and the recruiter said they'd "gone with someone else". I wanted to ask why, what did I do, what didn't I do, was it something I said, was it something I didn't say...?! I wanted to throw up. I thought I had a really good chance to at least get a second interview. Darn. I really wanted that job. Chances are they took someone who was in the union already or maybe someone moved over from another department. But it still hurts. And now I'm back at square one.

I was on the phone with a friend the other day and he said that with my smoky, low voice, I should be in radio. Great! Where do I sign up? I have no broadcast experience except one summer internship at a radio station in the early '80's creating and filing sound byte cartridges when I was a dumb teenager, but I listen to the radio here in LA and some of the on-air "personalities" don't seem all that articulate. It's can't be that difficult. And I do have a great phone-sex voice. That should be worth something, don't you think? I actually know a couple of radio people, and I know for a fact that one of them got his first job in radio solely because of his booming, deep voice. And now he's a TV news guy, so stranger things have happened. Anyone out there got any ideas or contacts? Anyone?

I'm at a loss. I'm starting to exhaust my job resources and the listings are all starting to look the same. Of course, the fact that the studio fired me right when all the major TV shows are on summer break doesn't help -- most of the studios are dead slow right now and won't pick up again until late July or early August. But I can't wait that long. I have bills and expenses that don't go on hold just because I'm out of work. Besides, as much as I hate to admit it, I'm a total workaholic, and I can't stand not having somewhere to go and something productive to do every day. It makes me feel as if I've been cut adrift. I've been blessed (or cursed) with a heavy-duty work ethic, and this situation is making me very uncomfortable.

Maybe I'm maudlin today because it's all gloomy and overcast, or maybe it's that post-birthday crash. I'm still waiting to hear from the auto insurance claim people about my car -- I've left messages, but you know how claims people are. I could just strangle the guy that hit me -- he said at the scene he didn't want me to contact his insurance company because his premiums would go up. As far as I'm concerned, that meant he was admitting to the accident being his fault. I would have been fine with that, but he wouldn't return my phone calls, so I had no choice but to call his insurance company. And it wasn't until after I had a claim started that he suddenly decided that I changed lanes into his car, and then he called my insurance company and made a claim of his own.

Lately all I seem to be doing is trying to cover my butt and defend myself against other people's lies.

Oh, well. Back to the job hunt. Suggestions or offers are welcome.

Brain Loogies

Time flies... unless you're broke


It has now been over one full month since I was fired. This morning I had breakfast with my best friend (who still works at the studio and keeps me up to date on gossip and the fallout of my absence). She brought me a birthday card that was from the GM at the studio. I was initially touched. I didn't expect the GM to remember my birthday -- heck, with everything going on, I almost forgot about it. But then I thought that it was a pretty lame gesture. She's the freaking GM of the company... if I was valued enough for her to remember my birthday, then why didn't she do anything to fight for me? She has to know that my dismissal was a sham. So if she's feeling that guilty about it, then a birthday card is a poor excuse for not at least giving me a severance package. After eight years. Great employee relations, that.

I know I should move on, but I was WRONGED. That fat, bleached-blonde, walking heart-attack creep of an IT manager LIED about me, and he got me fired under false pretenses. I can't just let it go. I want restitution. I want JUSTICE. I will not go quietly.

I have $140 left in the bank. My health insurance "COBRA" payments will be $977 a month if I decide to continue on the company plan. The HMO is much cheaper, but why pay for something that offers no real coverage? I'm a cancer survivor, and the quarterly tests they run on me aren't covered by the standard HMO. My oncologist isn't even on their "list" of "approved physicians." And to top it all off, the studio is contesting my unemployment insurance claim. The are trying to deny me a measly $370 a week so I might be able to eat and pay my phone bill while I pound the pavement looking for a new position. Injury, meet Insult. Misery loves company, and I'm sure you two have lots to dish about.

And speaking of pounding the pavement, I've emailed or faxed over eighty copies of my resumé to every advertisement and lead that even remotely looks like something for which I might be qualified. I'm bloody executive material, darnit. I have fifteen years of hard-core experience in the film industry. And nobody has the decency to even call me back, even to just say "no thanks" or "you're overqualified" (I used to at least get that much...). Whatever happened to common courtesy and good manners? I have not received one response. I leave voicemail messages, and nothing. I leave messages with secretaries and assistants, and nothing. Not even a return call after I've had an interview. I always perform the required "follow up" call or drop an email thanking them for their time. I even sent a handwritten postcard to the BIG studio that granted me an interview last month. I was taught to be polite and professional. Am I the last one left? Or are these people so full of themselves that they figure they don't have to bother unless they decide they want something from me?

I've also noticed that my colleagues and old friends in the business have suddenly become quite scarce. I placed at least fifty phone calls to some of my more valued vendors (all of which used to praise me for my efficiency and professionalism) to let them know I was no longer at the studio and that I was available for immediate hire. Now all of a sudden it's as if I've contracted leprosy. It seriously makes me wonder if the studio is spreading rumors about the details of my dismissal. I mean, the film business is a lot like a small town -- everybody knows everybody else's business and what color it is, to boot. And if the studio folk are mentioning details, oh, boy, is that illegal. They're allowed to say I was dismissed, but that's it. Anything else can be considered slanderous and a defamation of my character. Even if it is a pack of lies, it could hurt my chances of obtaining a new position. As it is, it's already jeopardizing my chances of collecting unemployment, and that's bad enough.

But none of my old colleagues are calling me back, so I can't just simply ask them if the studio is spreading dookie about me.

So all I am left with is the "help wanted" ads in the Hollywood Reporter and the umpteen "entertainment jobs" listings online, the employment web pages of the major studios, and any leads my few remaining friends might hear of on the rather unreliable industry grapevine.

I have $140 left in the bank... I need a miracle

The Saga Begins

I've heard keeping a journal can be good for the psyche... so while browing through .Mac, I realized that I had the tools for a great venting forum right before my eyes. So it begins...

It's been a crappy last few weeks -- on May 6th, 2003 I was fired from my job at the studio, after eight years of being a truly loyal employee. I don't even think they realize just how loyal I really was. I mean, I went through eleven months of chemotherapy while I was there and in that time I only missed one day of work. If that's not a team player, I don't know what is.

I am positive it's a personal vendetta from the IT department head. He hated the fact that I didn't genuflect when he blessed my department with his presence, and he really hated the fact that I actually had the audacity to question his decisions and offer an opinion that was different from his own.

I found out (totally by accident) that he may have received a kickback on a piece of software that he advised the company to buy. The software itself is not very stable and has a lot of problems, but since he's on the Executive Committee, he managed to get corporate to force us to stop using the older, but functional, system, and use the new one without any transitional period whatsoever. We users were asked to keep track of any glitches. But every time I sent in another "glitch report" (and there were many) he apparently took it as a personal affront to his authority. I heard later that he had been trying to get me fired for some time, perhaps as long a two years, at least according to my immediate supervisor (but not in front of any witnesses, unfortunately).

He took advantage of the general fear and lack of knowledge of computers that is the norm at the company; he told them that I had installed an unauthorized Zip drive and downloaded some file from the Internet that allowed me to hack other employees passwords and steal their files. Both of these accusations are lies -- the same guy that got me fired for the Zip drive actually suggested that I buy one about two years earlier. They had sent a memo telling all employees to remove any personal files from the main server, and he actually came into my office at that time and TOLD me to get a Zip drive for that very purpose.

The downloaded hack accusation is nothing more than total bunk, and a complete fabrication. From what I've learned since I was fired, it's apparently virtually impossible, unless one has access to a multi-thousand dollar Unix computer and a LOT of time on their hands. Yes, I did have a folder on my computer with other employee's documents inside, but every one of those documents was either emailed to me by the person who owned it, or it was CREATED by me as a favor to the other person. Several people asked me to help them with their resume, one guy asked me to help him write up some legal documents pertaining to his child custody battle, I wrote letters to the DMV and to insurance companies for people... I always saved copies in case the other person lost theirs. But I'm sure that our IT department head omitted that little detail when he put in the demand for my dismissal. Nor were any of the files' owners asked about the documents, either.

My husband and I have been exploring our legal options, but so far the attorneys we have spoken to have agreed that even though I have a valid complaint and that the studio people are obviously in the wrong, they won't take the case on because it won't get a big enough settlement. Had I been sexually harassed or discriminated against, then we'd have a different kettle of fish. I might be able to get a defamation of character ruling, although we think it could still be a discrimination suit because other people have non-company hardware and software on their desktops, but none of them have been reprimanded or fired. So far they have singled me out on having hardware that was not purchased by the company, and if I can get a few people to testify, then that would be a valid discrimination complaint.

At any rate, I am looking for a new position. So far there's been only a few bites and no real offers, but I'm trying to stay optimistic. I had a couple of interviews in the last week that seemed promising. And I'm getting some nice gardening done.

Wish me luck, though... the film biz is a little slow right now since it's the summer hiatus (and reality TV is killing the industry). I may have to take a job in another field, although after doing this for so long, I wouldn't know where to start.