Today I read a posting that asked the collective online group what inspired us to pursue our dreams in the entertainment business... I thought it was a very good question.
My inspiration comes from several places. One: to make my Mom proud of me. Yes, I'm well past the age where my parents are supposed to have an influence, but due to circumstances beyond my control, I am not even near where I wanted to be at this stage in life.
I spent eight years at a company that even though was supposed to be a film-industry job, ended up being a very corporate-centric, profit minded real estate company that just happened to own film stages. During that time, I went through a serious illness, and continued working through some very difficult medical treatments (chemotherapy, specifically). At the end of it all, I, along with all of the other employees, was subject to a four-year wage freeze where no raises were given to anyone, my office location was moved four times, and even though I was very ill I was expected to pack everything up and shift gears without much help, yet still maintain the same level of productivity while going through each move. During this "wage freeze" however, the CEO (and son of the owner) bought himself an airplane, a vineyard, and a jewelry design business, all on the company's dime.
I left that eight year job with this company under very uncomfortable circumstances (see previous entries...), and I am still researching my legal options. I loyally worked through eleven months of chemo AND ONLY MISSED ONE DAY OF WORK and yet I was treated like a piece of office furniture. The remaining employees are still being treated that way.
After leaving that job, I went through some serious soul-searching. It has occurred to me that life is very short (cliche' maybe, but my illness reminded me that it's painfully true); too short to work at a job that you have to psyche yourself up for every morning, and go home at night feeling unappreciated and unnoticed unless you make a mistake.
So I am now pursuing a different career in the film business. I came to LA fifteen years ago and attended the American Academy of Dramatic Arts. Yes, I came to LA to be an actor. And now, after all this time, I am finally striving to at least work in that field. Fame and fortune are not my goal here. Having a job that I love and working at a job I can wake up and WANT to go to is my goal.
In the meantime, I am looking for employment that can offer me "live-on" money, hopefully benefits (I'm in remission, but my regular cancer screens are terribly expensive), and enough flexibility that I can continue pursuing a career as a character actor or voiceiver actor. I am hoping to find a job perhaps as an assistant to a casting director, development executive, or I'm willing to take on a position as a PA or script assistant.
I have an immense amount of experience and knowledge in film lighting and equipment (more than I ever really wanted) as I was the senior manager of the lighting and grip department at the aforementioned company. I'm sure this knowledge will eventually be valuable to me as an actor, but more immediately, I would think it would be valuable to an prospective employer.
In the field of film lighting, I know what it is, who makes it, who rents it, how to hook it up and take it apart, how much it's supposed to cost, who has the best rental rates, and when a gaffer is ordering it just so he can play with the new lighting toy at the company's expense (as opposed to really needing it). I know the inside scoop on the studio and rental house billing policies, and I can save a production thousands of dollars on equipment expenses by working around those policies.
But all of this knowledge and experience is totally useless unless I have something to which I can apply it. And I spent all of this time working in a field I really didn't have an interest in; I just happened to end up there by circumstance. I'm not a lighting person by choice. My illness and other events of life simply put me there and I tried to make the best of it.
So what inspires me, what drives me, is the idea that I can be on the lens end of the camera and do what those people I was aiming lights at were doing. I watched actors every day for years and saw them coming to work smiling (most of them, anyway) and leaving work smiling and eager and energetic. Even if it was a commercial for a loan company, the actors were having a wonderful time. They were working in their chosen field.
I want that. I want to go to work happy. I want to leave work and be excited about going back the next day. Nature has gifted me with a wonderful, deep, musical speaking voice, and I want to use it. I have an expressive, interesting face and I want to use it. I have unique life experiences that are written in my eyes and in my mannerisms, and I want to be able to use them to entertain, to inform, to make people FEEL something... to give them an escape from their lives or to make them laugh, cry, THINK. The same way that actors gave me that gift when I was sick and afraid and watched a movie to get away from it.
That's what inspires me.
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Oops. Waxed on for too long on my soapbox, there, sorry. But this is my reality. This is my soul here, for all of you to read.
The cancer put a time limit on my life expectancy. I'm in remission, but the truth is that I probably won't make it to 60. And I don't want to spend the precious few years I have left working my rear end off at something I don't love for someone that doesn't appreciate it. I mean, I will if I have to. I've done it before. But there's so much more out there that I can't help but think if I work really hard I can have a little bit of it, you know?
Is that too much to ask?
