Priorities

One of my colleagues at work died at the office today. He was diabetic but in very good shape. The paramedics said it looked like a stroke, which has shocked us all.

It made me remember again how precious life and friendships are, and just how fragile we all are.

I have never met most of you, but I want you to know that all of you have become very important people to me. I care about you and I care about what happens to you, how you feel, if you're happy, everything.

Even if we never meet (but I really hope we do), it's important to me that you all know that.

Dark

There are things in this world that no matter how much support you have, no matter how many people you have on your side, ultimately must be faced alone.

Somehow you have to summon up the strength from within and nobody can help with that. It's easier during daylight -- there's always something to distract you, work to do, places to go..

But in the deep recess of night, you're alone with it; nothing to hide behind. Sleep evades you and you're left staring into the dark, mind racing, listening to your heart pound and those small voices in the back of your head whispering doubts and fears into your consciousness. And there isn't a soul on the face of the earth that can save you.

Finally you give up and turn on the lights to chase away those little voices. Open your computer, turn on the TV, anything to make a little noise to mask the fear hissing in your mind, the terror stealing in and picking pieces out of the edges of your reality. It helps, the light, the noise. For a while.

You know you have to face it, sooner or later. But not tonight.

PEACE

I have always thought of myself as somewhat of an intellectual. If there's a problem, I have always been able to muddle my way through and figure out some kind of logical solution, or at least an acceptable solution.

There are things in life, however, that defy logic. That have no solution. They just are. They aren't problems or issues or anything that needs to be fixed. They just ARE.

I have wasted a great deal of time fighting this. It didn't feel natural - everything is supposed to have a solution. Everything has a yin and a yang and a balance, right? It is our nature as human beings to try and make sense of things we don't understand and to look for solutions, even if there is no problem in need of solving. We dislike not being in control.

But the truth is, we aren't. In control. There is no control; we are hurtling willy-nilly through space and time and have no command as to when we become and when we eventually are no longer. We are born without our knowledge of being conceived; we live through the grace of our own free will; and when we die, we're usually snuffed out rather abruptly and without ample enough warning to fix everything we broke while we were here.

The fundamental problem with learning, knowing, and finally accepting this fact is that the knowledge inevitably comes to us far too late to be able to relax and simply enjoy our lives. It usually takes facing our own mortality in some fashion or another to have the mere idea of non-control pushed into our consciousness. It takes quite a bit of internal arguing after that to believe it; and even more to accept, if not actually embrace, this hard-learned lesson.

Now, I have heard that the true knowledge of one's own finite existence is a cathartic event that fills one with peace and tranquility, That one gives over to the Celestial Design Committee, God, the Angels, whatever, and is filled with existential bliss and joy. Make your peace, give over... it's all good and beautiful...

Bullshit.

Trust me, when you're looking at the big door to the other side and you have all sorts of unfinished business behind you and all sorts of life left un-lived, all sorts of loves left un-explored, places you wanted to see, people you wanted to have a freakin' cup of coffee with... you grab onto the doorframe with your fingernails and toes and fight with everything you have left for one more damned minute.