Thinking...

Monday, March 28, 2005

I think I need to write more often. After re-reading some previous posts, I realize that there's a lot more going on in my head than I'm writing down. And since this is my currently chosen method of therapy, perhaps I should write more, even if I don't feel I have something interesting to say.

I feel like I've run into a roadblock of some sort in my quest to be a working actor. I'm studying and I'm 'out there' -- I've been working pretty steadily doing voiceovers and narrations... I have good headshots and I keep my resume current. I submit to everything I find that is suiable for my age and type. But I cannot get an agent to answer any of my submissions or come to a play performance. I can't seem to find the path to get over this hump.

Every day I take an honest look at what I'm doing and not doing. I scan the trades and boards every day... I attend workshops and industry functions. I send mailings and updates and post on boards. I read and study and submit and work really hard at being active and visible all the time. What am I not doing that I need to be?
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My husband says I need to stay in contact with old friends and acquaintences that are in the business. I try that, I really do, but for some reason it feels cheap to me to reach out and bug someone that I was intimate with or worked with ten years ago and ask them to set me up with their agent. Am I crazy? Should I drop a line to my old boyfriend (who's now married, but he's been doing voiceovers on a very successful TV show for several years and has quite a few successful films to his name as well) and ask him to hook me up with his voiceover agent? Or should I send a letter to another old flame who's a successful stunt actor and director?

Feedback appreciated.
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I'm harboring a whole lot of ickiness towards my Bloody Day Job... it's not that I don't like my job (well, I DON'T, but I don't hate it, either) but I'm starting to really resent the fact that it's infringing on my acting career, my personal life, my mental well being, even my ability to go to the gym on a regular basis. I understand that I gotta eat and have health insurance and all of that, but at the same time, I am watching myself get sucked further and further into the corporate maze that is my company, and it's not what I want. I'm also starting to exhibit symptoms of job-related stress, and THAT's interfering wth my marriage and my health.

I can't afford to just quit outright. My income is integral to the household. My husband's business doesn't have health insurance, and it's still in the growing stages anyway, so he doesn't have the income to keep us afloat by himself. I already asked my employer if it would be possible for me to alter my schedule (working four 10-hour days with three days off, instead of the Monday-Friday thing) but they wouldn't go for that.

So how does a person with a full-time "9-5" style day job pursue acting without losing their mind?

Worry

Dismal winter...

Thursday, February 10, 2005

I can't believe how much time has passed since I last posted here. So much has happened...

Mom ended up having two surgeries on her hip and pelvis... they put in a steel prosthetic pelvis piece to try and stabilize the hip joint, but the doctor didn't properly reinforce Mom's fragile pelvic bone. The screws they used to fix it in place didn't hold and Mom's pelvis started cracking under the prosthetic and the screws started working their way out. So they had to go BACK in there and use bone cement to try and build up her pelvis and re-attach the prosthetic. Her bones are so very brittle and fragile, and the doctor KNEW that. I guess he was under the impression that my mother would be content sitting for the rest of her life and not doing anything, like walk or take a shower... We're still wondering why he didn't do it right the first time. Or, for that matter, CALL HER BACK when she left a message in October of 2003 to tell him she was in terrible pain and she wanted him to take a look at it.

She spent 9-1/2 weeks in a dismal nursing facility. The food was awful, and they messed up her medication and it casued her to have seizures. They lost her clothing. She lost a lot of weight and went through some terrible depression; especially since her eyesight has deteriorated so badly since the blood vessel in her eye broke.

She had a laser treatment prior to the surgeries which was designed to seal the faulty blood vessel. Apparently, it did do that, and for a while it seemed as though the blood cloud in her eye was partially vaporized and it started to dissipate somewhat. But since then, her sight has migrated to a tiny sliver on the inside corner of her right eye and the rest of her sight is just a dark blob. Her left eye has been totally blind for several years. She can get around her house well enough, but she cannot read, watch TV, sign a check... she will probably never drive again, but she hasn't accepted that yet. She is still hoping that her sight will improve further, but that might not happen. It breaks my heart to hear her cling to hope when she very well may be disappointed.

I ended up going back & forth from LA to Colorado five times to help her while she was recuperating from her first surgery at home, and then help keep her spirits up and take care of her house and stuff while she was in the nursing home. My brother goes back & forth from his house two or three times a month. It's a 4-hour drive for him, but he's glad he can be there. I can't even begin to describe how grateful I am that he's there.

I haven't had time to really do or think about anything else for a while. I go to work and go home. The voiceover project was finally finished in September, and it seems to be a success... buzz is picking up about it, at least.

I've been doing some small theatre projects around town, and I managed to get a couple of commercial voiceovers while all of this was going on. One happened while I was with Mom and I had to find a recording facility in Colorado on very short notice. It ended up being a nice little job and I was paid before I even got back to LA.

Now I'm kind of in limbo, waiting to see if Mom will need anything. I call her every day just to see how she is. She sounds pretty good, although I'm worried because she's not getting out. Any number of her friends would be so happy to pick her up and take her to lunch or just visit, but she's so very self-conscious about her sight and her limitations I just wish she would realize that they don't care about any of that. They just want to see her. She's going to fade away if she doesn't resume at least a little of her social activities. She was a very vibrant and active person right up until her hip gave out, and to suddenly go into hiding like this is really making her depressed. Her mind doesnt seem as sharp as it used to be. It makes me worry.

Say a prayer for her, will you? If you believe in such things? If not, just send positive energy, okay?

Family Business

It's been a long time since I've posted... I've been extraordinarily busy with my day job and the voiceover sessions at night. Went to Vegas with my husband at the first of August for a business event of his. It was okay - nothing to write home about.

Today is my brother's 49th birthday. I have no idea what to get for him -- what do you get the guy that has nothing? He lives very simply (not by choice -- more by necessity). Maybe I'll get him a gift certificate to Trader Joe's. He can always use food.

The thing that's turned my world upside down, though, is Mom. She 's having some awful health issues, and I'm worried sick. About 15 years ago, she had a second hip replacement surgery on her right side. They put in a Titanium and Teflon ball joint attached to the long bone in her leg. It was a Godsend at the time and fixed what was a very painful issue.

Since then, she was diagnosed with AMD (Age-related Macular Degeneration - http://www.amd.org/). She went through several years of painful surgeries and needle-related treatments on the affected eye, but in the end, she completely lost her left eye to the disease.

Well, on August 8th, two things happened: The first was that her Titanium hip joint broke through the pelvic socket bone. They had not replaced that and she had been walking and shoveling the driveway and gardening on that hip for the past 15 years, and all the while, the metal ball joint was wearing away at the socket. She has an unbelievably high threshold of pain, and she occasionally complained about soreness, but the doctors said that it had to have been agonizing for at least the past five years.

The second thing that happened was a result of the first... The pain from that event caused a major spike in her blood pressure, which in turn caused a blood vessel to burst behind the retina of her remaining eye. She woke up the next morning unable to walk, and unable to see.

Her eye had filled with blood, and she said all she could see was a bright red cloud. It has since turned into a large black cloud that covers the central part of her vision. All she can see is some slivers of color and movement on the outside corners of her eye. Her eye doctor said it's AMD, and there is some hope because they have developed new treatments that didn't exist several years ago when they were treating the first eye.

However, she has to go in and have the pelvic socket fixed. The doctors have manufactured a replacement hip socket and will have to cut away about a third of her pelvis and replace it with this prosthetic joint, using a cement made from bone powder to attach it to the remaining bone.

This surgery was scheduled for August 31st, but her eye doctor said that cannot happen. She would be receiving blood thinners during and after the surgery to help avoid clots, but those same blood thinners could completely destroy the already weakened blood vessels in her eye. So they want to do a new laser therapy treatment on her eye FIRST, before she goes in for the hip surgery.

In the meantime, she is battling deep depression, serious pain, and fear. She has been living on her own since my father passed away, and I think that it's been her ability to be independent that has kept her lively and happy. If she loses both her eyesight and her ability to walk at the same time, I don't think she'll be able to make it very far after that. She's been putting on a brave face, but I can hear the strain in her voice.

So I leave this Saturday to go be with her. I don't know how long I will be there, but I will stay with her as long as it takes. My husband will be remaining in LA to keep the home fires burning, and I have arranged with my day job to be able to access the computer system and other business tools in case I need to stay with Mom for several months.

What this will do to my voiceover career, I have no idea. But that isn't a concern right now. Right now, all I care about is Mom.